why conflicting

I am really bored of myself.

Why am I always tortured by the conflict between self-expectation and no self-expectation? Then my mother comes to my mind. Did she ever fell bored of herself? At least I couldn't see a sign. She had plenty of time when she was staying at home while treating her spine and she was younger than my current age by then.

My feeling now is seemingly tied up. But by what? I feel kind of unable to move on. The Chinese fortune calendar displayed "not suitable for doing anything" again, except cleaning. It has been showing similar message for several days in a row already. Probably, it is meant like that? No, no no no excuse. I rather believe that I am psychologically ill...