Xiaogan

Dreamt about Xiaogan.
This is the very first time in my whole life until now, my dream was set in this place, conceptually.
In the dream, there were streams about the history of the Jingju opera house, as if that was the place, where my father had been 'criticized' publicly. Certainly, according to what I know, that is untrue. But the question is, how much do I know about my parents? The scenarios were shifting from one to another, seemingly according to different period of time. Somebody was giving speech there in a room at the second floor, and mentioning my father's name as a honorable person.
But which me was the me in the dream? Why did I go there? No any hint, although it is true that part of my personality was formed from my experience there.
I was somewhere in the edge of the town, talking with students of a short-term literature course. A boy asked me, isn't Xiaogan countryside? I replied, it is a town, a town in medium size. But what was the unnatual feeling, very much like embarrassed somewhere inside, when I said so? How could the boy raise such question, with such an inconsiderate manner, while he could see with his own eyes and the answer was there, so plain and tangible? Or, if this question was actually asked by the inner me? Among the students, there was a sensible girl, who showed me her poems, which were printed in little pamphlet and also, she showed me her jewellery case. Weird. She was aware of the fact that there are always some embarrassing points to any aged things and she was avoiding them carefully. She showed me her trust.
Am I a trustworthy person? At least I believe so.
Nevertheless, I don't like people drawing link between Xiaogan and my hometown. I never admit this link, and it is simply not. I was not born there and I didn't grow up there, although I did really spend several years there with at least 50% of unhappy memories. The fact that I don't want it to be my hometown, could be really due to its underdeveloped status. Yet it is not only concerning its economic outlook, but rather, its sick and suffocating ideological atmosphere.
From aspect of the size of the town, Ningxiang is so much smaller than Xiaogan, because it is only a county town. Nevertheless, I feel comfortable to say, Ningxiang is my hometown. There, is the very base, where my nostagia dwells. Therefore, there is an undeniable terror in me for the disappearance of this nostagia, if I would have to face its 'developed' face nowadays. At least, from those photos which I could find online, I feel already horrible enough. Painful.
Yes, Ningxiang can make me feel painful, but not Xiaogan.