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The sky turned bright so early this morning. It is definitely something unusual in all these days. It was snowing since I returned from China last week, and it made snowing nearly like a definite interpretation of weather. The funny thing was that the sky kept dark, no matter how did the white snow demonstrate the contrast.

Normally, all the windows could not be opened as they were frozen with the ice during the night, at least not until late in the afternoon. But I can easily open the bedroom window this morning, because I kept it open yesterday until I was already buried myself under the blanket with maturely sleeping conscious. That caused Kai an exclamation when he stepped into the room, because I started to sneezing and coughing and running nose since I returned back to Germany, and he does not want all these to start over again right after all of the symptoms showed their sign of retreating.

Since I stayed at home as I always do so in the cold days, I nearly forgot how many days I have actually returned to Germany. It is not a matter which can be clarified by the calendar. I calculated in my mind with great effort, but still not so sure if I spent one weekend or two in our little home already. This is the consequence one has to accept when the atmosphere is too lazy and cozy. Normally, this kind of laziness and coziness should be counted as priceless. Nevertheless, the potion for the passed week was bought with 100 Euro by changing the date of the air-ticket.

The original date of the ticket was 17th, so I should be back yesterday if I didn't change my mind. The reason for me to set the return date on yesterday, was because I felt that if the cause of my trip was serious as that, then probably it required me to contribute more than one month of my time for reaching the balance of my ethical sense. Nevertheless, the balance had been reached long before my return, and even turned seriously unbalanced on the other side. Somehow, it was not the circumstance which was unexpected. It is like a long-term disease on me, that I always lead myself suffering from my own sense of morality.

The sun is coming out now without doubt. But I should remind myself to close the window for preventing the heat-leaking from inside. The resource of energy is limited, everybody knows that.

Self

Self-loving, is a topic which has been discussed for thousands of years. But the situation is rather interesting. One is always talking one's own talk, probably due to that 'self' is such a specific term. I guess this is kind of theory which cannot be learned from talking.

A person who does not care of his/her public manner, should be counted as self-loving or not?
A boy who does not even care about the cleanness of his own toilet, could be assumed having the ability of self-loving or not?

rrrrrrrr I am really disgusted.

Back from Nowhere

Back from China, finally, and got my time belong to myself again.
My brother use to complain that one could never live for oneself. The opinions and the benefit of the others are driving one crazy, till one knows nothing about the purpose of being existed.

There are just too many nonsense in the human community. Blood is thicker than water. So what! Does that mean that the thicker thing then is entitled to squeeze, suppress, erode, attack, suffocate, while providing no warmth of joy and ease of harmony?

Trash! Trash!

How lucky that there is at least somewhere to escape.

A long sleep and being embraced in the arms of the loved one, that's what I needed and I got it now.

Strange Tears

It was the night before my departure back to Germany. Heartlessly speaking, I was really longing for getting away from a place where no means of peace.


Holding the water basin, which was just used for washing my mother's feet, and withdrawing from her room, I heard some sound came out from the room of my father. The light was switched off there, so he was supposedly sleeping. But the sound made me saw his face with closed eyes and earphone lying somewhere on his pillow. I could be sure that the sound was coming out of the earphone of his recording pen. “一轮红日照心间... ...” I was sure that the song is from one of the model-drama during the cultural revolution era, which I sang and recorded for my father in one of the evening during my visit this time.


As usual, I went to bed around 11:30 in the darkness. But my sleep was awfully disturbed. I couldn't fall asleep easily, because I couldn't control my tears from running. For avoiding the sound which might be noticed by my mother, who was sleeping by my side, I didn't even dare to dry my tears...

Another bad news

My mother is in the hospital now due to the initial diagnose of kidney cancer. Sad. Or rather say, confused. I have never been close to my mother, so I am not so sure if I should go back to visit her or not. I made a phone call to my father. It seems that he is kind of like to see me there. Don't know what to do.

And then, I recalled the grumpy temper of my mother, the tempest came all a sudden, which made me suffered a lot. So, be rational, I guess it would be better for me staying away from her.

Kai is ill

I asked him to be a little bit more original next time, because to be ill during the weekend, is the typical character of teachers, and he is not a teacher. So, we can consider that he is violating the priority of teachers.

The fever was a bit scary last night. Sleeping beside him was definitely more humid than living in Hong Kong, I dare to say. How good that it was only a one-night-matter case. So I forced him to visit doctor this morning, although he felt embarrassed for going to the doctor when the fever was gone already. Hahhah~~~The waiting in the waiting room was too long for a person who feels always sleepy, so I nearly fell into my dreams when he returned.

Hope he will be healed by tomorrow already, although I hope that he could take a day-leave by Monday as well. Can not help. Human are always so contradictory.

Family tension

As usual, the morning is the most sleepy time to me. Not sure if it is caused by something in my blood or just this place. It is sunny today. Bright with faint brownish rays reflected from the slate tiles on the roofs. I remembered that I should give my father a phone-call, to check that if he has prepared himself for using computer officially or not. So I called him, and caught him right in the tension of quarreling with my sister. Oh my god! That voice transferred into my earpiece was soooooooo unbearably sharp, hysterical, although it was obviously came from distance to my father's phone. Sure I understand that all conflicts could not be caused by one-side mistakes. Nevertheless, still, I feel pity for my father. My poor father. This incident reminds me of what Chuan told me yesterday, when he mentioned his quarreling with his wife. He even made the wife attempted to call the police. Oh human...... How could one allows oneself to produce so much tension in the family???Can not help, I am in a kind of unhappy woody mood. I heard that my mother was asking my father to stop talking with me, therefore I had to finish the phone conversation which didn't really have any communication yet in a rush. I remember that Chuan told me on the phone that the fire was normally lighted up so abruptly, when I asked him to control his temper.

Missing

Kai is on business trip today.
This morning, when he was packing things for an over-night stay outside, he said that he felt already missing me. Me too.
It's such a funny thing. We have no idea how did we get through all those years when we were separated.
He phoned me twice during the day, and I told him that I have been eating all the time.
What else could I do, if there is nobody to check the meat-production status of my body.

Nieselregen, Rauch

Nieselregen, Rauch

Nieselregen,
die Luft überschwemmt mit loderndem Duft -
hölzerner Rauch.
Ohne die Schornsteine entlang der Straße zu bemerken,
stelle ich mir die Kamine in den Häusern vor:
wahrscheinlich führen sie schon eine Variation des Funkentanzes auf.
Aber der Regen
klebt wie Pulver auf meinem Gesicht.
Die Kälte ist wirklich nicht der Rede wert.

Wer sagt,
dass das Gefühl die Logik braucht?
Ohne Grund
kommt mir Tschernyschewski in den Sinn.
Wenn man sich um den Verstand kümmert, was ist dann mit dem Gefühl?
Ich weiß nicht, ob das ist, was er gesagt hat.
Das Gefühl ist immer der Verrat des Denkens.

Die feurige Romantik, die wie eine Ahornwand ist,
hat einen Streit zwischen Schwarz und Weiß ausgelöst.
Noch eine Anmerkung zur Farbe:
Wenn Gold keine Farbe ist,
welche Farbe hat dann einen Anspruch darauf, Farbe genannt zu werden?

Platsch platsch platsch
Plitsch platsch plitsch platsch
Die Geräusche variieren und verdichten sich.

Da ist ein Gefühl von Eigenwilligkeit, nicht wahr?

Bei Kälte

kann ein Glas Wein die Temperatur im ganzen Körper steigen.
Was ist echter, das Zittern vorher
oder die Hitzewallungen danach?
Es scheint, dass Kinder nicht wissen, was Hitze und Kälte ist.
Was ist wirklich eigenwillig, das Gefühl oder der Verstand?

the verse above is one of my little poems, which I wrote in Chinese. Kai translated it last night, and said a lot of encouraging words to me afterward, as if my poem-writing has still got hope. haha

being bored

Some ideas about what should I note down flashed crossing my head from time to time in these days, but never appealing enough for forming a desire of writing. Therefore, I keep forgetting those ideas and thus kind of bored by myself. Never mind. Kai said that something which cannot make people to remember them, means that they are not important enough. I feel peaceful with this explanation.

Ok, gestern habe ich ein Email von meinem Professor bekommen. Es hat nur wenige Worte und er hat mir fuer das Buch, das ich ihm gescannt habe, gedankt. Aber er hat das Buch letzte Woche schon abgeholt. Es war sehr schwierig fuer ihn mir einige Worte zu schreiben.

The supposed happy time

This is the Chinese Spring Festival period. One is supposed to be happy.
Certainly, we do have some happy moments in our little world. There are laughters often enough in this little family. Nevertheless, disturbance is keep coming from 'outside' as well. Kai always told me that I am too superstitious just like the other Chinese. Being superstitious is certainly not smart enough if one，at the same time，wants to stay intelligent.
However, I cannot help to believe in omens.
There have been some negative news coming from Kai's family right at the new years eve; the most serious one was that the father was in the ambulance on the way to the hospital. Now, he is still in the hospital and waiting for the operation in one week. Something funny to me is that the mother is seemingly worried more about our financial situation rather than other things.
I do not really understand this kind way of thinking. We are living a moderate life not starting from today, and we will probably keep this way for the whole life. What is the point to be worried about?

hahhhh my nosiness

Since I put Kai's old diary onto my Chinese blog, Kai is forced to pick up his Chinese diary writing again.
He looks really funny when I see his serious face while writing (at this very moment). I told him that he could ask me whenever he needs my help. But he replied, you are so nosy. I couldn't help to laugh with my mouth wide open, and told him that 'ich liebe Dich'. He smiled back, and said, 'I love you too, although you are so nosy.'
Let's see what would be his new creation tonight.：-）

The disturbed mind

I cannot write anything these days. My mind is kind of blank, or say stuck. I feel like to write, and I tried. Nothing comes out.
Disgusting.
I hate this kind of status. It makes me feel like a fabulous idiot. A mind without spark of thoughts -- a total trash.
I watched a new Chinese movie together with Kai. It is fresh hot and regarded as some remarkable depiction of Chinese modern life. Trash! It is called Are You the One. Shallow enough plot, with typical little witty talks which could normally put one in the position of no defeat. That represents the current philosophy and realization of Chinese majority, on living a life. Political correction -- Either talking about far-fetched history, or the old stories between men and women.
Poison.

My hero husband

My hero husband is injured. Knowing him as a absolute peace lover, certainly, there is no need to set the background as war.
Yesterday, when I back home from outside, he came to the edge of the stairs to welcome. He always does so, and it makes me always believe that he misses me terribly, after a whole day without valuable enough communication with me. But this time, he came with a hand held up, and its thumb wrapped in a messy bunch of handkerchief.
'Oh my god!' I said, 'you got yourself cut.'
He admitted immediately without even a little bit self-defending attempt.
'Sorry,' he said, 'I didn't expect that the new knife is really so sharp.'
I believe that my eyesight was not so enjoyable by then, because I could imagine how painful it could be when the injury happened to fingers.
He was cutting onion when he got himself cut, while he intended to prepare my favorite dish -- sauerkraut pizza.
'It is only a knife for cutting tomatoes,' I said.
'Yes,' he replied immediately, 'we need to find a knife for cutting onions.'
What can I say? He certainly knows that I didn't mean that he should cut himself with an onion-knife instead of a tomato-knife.
Nevertheless, the pizza is really tasty, as always.

weird dreams

Weird dreams have intruded my sleeping time these days.
Chinese normally believe that one must have thought the similar things for the dream plot to appear.
No idea.
Neither in my dreams nor in reality, I could handle those situation.
...