AmazingGrace

AmazingGrace

the Christmas present is finally delivered.
I hope the sound would be better than this first try, with a little more practice.

想通了

昨天夫君在脸书上分享了一个视频链接。链接地址不单显示了一小段相关说明文字，还有一个视频截图。图像里，有一个形容恐怖鬼魅的女人。（视频链接）

有关这个链接的事情，夫君下班回家之后才告诉我。他说，将自己这样的容貌公之于世，是需要极大勇气的。一个从小就受尽歧视与侮辱的人，她必须是准备好了遭受更广泛更恶毒言语轰炸，才敢录下一段这样的视频发上网的。看过视频的人，有的留言直接叫她去死。她也都泰然接受了。最起码，表面看上去如此。

然而对于这样的资讯，我通常会生出一种天然的抗拒。虽然明知道所谓的“丑”，不过是不符合约定俗成的常规审美标准罢了，是一个主观概念。可不幸的是，审美标准既然形成，如果可以选择，人是一定会倾向于选择令自己赏心悦目的景象，而规避有可能让人恶心添堵做恶梦的景象的，这也是为什么大家都选择山清水秀的地方去游玩消遣，而不会选择去穷乡僻壤大煤矿。我们没理由主动选择与丑陋为伍，就像我们没理由选择去消耗分明可以节省的力气。即便是存心用负面情绪来做情商训练，现实的残酷，其实也早让人一颗心变得越来越坚硬，越来越漠然，对种种可能的励志人生说辞，统统不再感兴趣。

不过，我还是去看了看夫君的脸书。因为我不想让他太失望。西方人狂欢节与假面舞会的风俗，让他们对各种鬼怪或非常态面貌早已习以为常。可对于在夸张虚假的高大全正面人物形象熏陶下长大并变老的我们，那种由妖魔鬼怪或各种形式的丑所激发出的心理不适，西方人可能是没法想象的。

我只朝截图里那张脸瞟了一眼，便赶紧将视线移到了旁边的文字上。打不打开链接，心里还在犹疑。不过，这份犹疑没持续太久。然后，咬咬牙，狠狠心，将鼠标移到链接上，点击。趁着网页还在下载，我将视窗往下拉，拉到看不见图像的部位。这样，便既能听到声音，也不必看到她那张脸了。

然而，她的声音却不难听。甚至可算得是悦耳的。这副嗓音，似乎给我增添了些勇气。我将视窗拉上去，又再看了她一眼。这次，目光在画面上停留的时间稍长了些，估计超过了半分钟的样子。她表情很放松，很自然。 凭良心说，她兴许并不比那些说话张牙舞爪的人更丑陋。

视频，我没看完。不过，回到脸书，我在夫君的帖子后面留下了一些话。我说：

I have to admit that it took me some courage to click onto this link. But I do believe that everyone deserves a fair treatment from his/her fellow human beings in this world. Any kind of social discrimination is equally evil. We have the right to choose what we love or not, and, what we like or not, but we do not have the right to harm those whom we don't love or like. Concerning the result, we have to say, unintentional harm is not less evil than the intentional harm. This is what we call empathy, I guess.

Everybody likes beautiful things, I think, just as everybody would be naturally avoiding dangerous situation if one has sensed any. We do not have to force ourselves smiling at everybody under whatever kind of situation, but it is necessary to ask ourselves if we have been always fair and always righteous.

Being ugly, is a very harsh fact for one to accept. It is harsher than being materially poor. Nevertheless, being stupid is even worse. At least, this is what I think. I cannot force myself to feel happy when I found myself getting uglier, or, when I found the shortcomings in my own personality. However, even if I am ugly and poor and not intelligent enough, I still have enough reason to believe that I am lucky, because after all, I am not deadly stupid, while I am still able to realise myself and brave enough to accept the reality.

We do not have to feel guilty for some natural associations, which are infavorable or not nice enough to the others, appeared in our mind, due to the infavorable experience stored in our memory. But, if conscious or subconscious is something out of our control, we can at least control our words and action.

夫君看过我的回帖之后，觉得有些句子间的逻辑跨度似乎大了些，不过，却很赞同第一段的内容。他说，圣经里让人像“爱你自己一样爱你的邻人”，也就是这个意思。

接着他的话头，我说，进而推之，如果发生在一个人身上的某些状态连他/她自己也很不喜欢的话，那么，他是没必要强迫自己去喜欢发生了同样状态的其他人的。其实这样的不喜欢所针对的，是现象，是事，不是人。只可惜能分得清这一点的人并不多。而强迫一个连自己都不爱或不会爱的人去爱其他人，是不公平、也不现实的。所谓人权，也应该体现在这一点上。不过，还是那句话，有权不爱，并不等于有权伤害。

而有关句子间的逻辑跨度，我告诉他，那是不得已而为之。因为在公共的社交平台上交流，既要简短，又要顾及各方感受，尽量将无意识伤害的可能性减到最低，还想将一件事情说清楚，几乎不大可能。比方说，当你说“爱美之心人皆有之”的时候，真正想说的，可能是“所有人都会对丑陋的东西产生本能的厌恶”。可是若真那样说了，就有可能让人产生道德不正确的直觉。所以，即便这类更真实更直接的表达，在语义逻辑上能与接下来的文字衔接更密切更顺畅，却 因为考虑到“丑”与“厌恶”都是能带来负面心理评断的词语，而不得不舍弃。原因在于，要传达公正客观的信息，若不讲究传递方法，不仔细斟酌，兴许不单达不到预期效果，反倒有可能惹出不必要的麻烦。对于这一点，我没有信心阐述清楚，因为我自己的大半辈子，都是只图一时酣畅痛快而忽略言语策略的。虽然夫君不再深究，我相信他也只是暂时听懂了。因为他骨子里的天真，让他在与外界的应对中仍不时表现出孩子气，甚至卷入无谓的、意气用事的争论。当然，这种争论事实上如今也越来越少了。我很清楚，一个不计成败得失得近乎不食人间烟火的人，要让人际交流的机巧真正在他下意识里融会贯通，仍需时日。“谁没年轻过呢？”对于该等也非等不可的人，我不缺耐性。

今早夫君收拾书包准备出门的时候，头天的那番讨论再次回到我脑子里，也让我忽然想通了一件事情：如果婆婆和乌拉的一干亲戚连他们自己的东西都不懂爱惜，而只想不断“改朝换代”，他们又如何想得起爱惜其他人的东西呢？

尽管无意识犯错也是错，但这回我真正想通了。在“贪嗔痴”这三样孽障中，前面两样比较好办，时刻持戒，就有可能克服。唯“痴”这一样，却不是发一个愿心便能消除得了的。它与天赋灵性有关。悟不到，便一点儿都勉强不来，假不来的。

一件纠结了五年多的事情，放下了。

忐忑 the incomprehensible

Recalling some fragment details from the Christmas and New Year holiday that has just passed, I think that I can never make my mother-in-law convinced for that my way of singing is impossible to get any chance in China, or even, in Germany. (deep breath).  

She does not believe that I have got only the level of amatuer talent, if it could be counted as talent at all. She kept saying 'so professional', 'so professional', while I was playing some of my songs to her. She thinks that it is a kind of waste, if someone who can sing as 'professional' like that and does not participate into any social activities or public events. I found some videos of "the Voice of China" online and played to her. I told her that I am no longer qualified as a singer, according to the current development of the entertainment business. But she rather prefer to believe that I can make profit with my singing. Certainly, profit, is the key word. I cannot let her know that one's interest, or ability, or knowledge on art, is a tool of self-refinement, it helps training one's observation and sensitivity. It is an individual matter basically and therefore, it does not have to do with money, or with publicity. If it is a means of entertainment, it should entertain oneself at the first, before anything else. 

It is not true, that anybody who can drive a car on the road, knows the art of driving or capable of becoming a racer. If one really wants to make money with singing, one needs to train oneself coping with the taste of the mass. But the reality is that the taste of the mass is turning more and more difficult to be satisfied. Nowadays, people require shocking power to get their paralyzed nerves reacting. So I do not only have problem with my 'tool', but also have problem with my will. If someone in my age is still willing to make herself unhappy for and only for pleasing the others, that is insane. I prefer to keep playing the role of myself. 

The link attached here, shows the way of possibility if one really wants floating up onto the surface of the sea.  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nFrcKYA1EL4  The singer in the video, is a professional singer, who is not only graduate from music school of university, but also had her early success already in China. Besides, her husband is a music producer who knows the applied market strategy as well. The only thing that makes me comparing with this singer, is that we both are Chinese who are living in Germany.

The curiosity of the audience on peculiar forms of entertainment, fully embodies the battered pleasure in human psychology. It seems that things which can torture the sensory organs harder, can endure more susceptibility, or even, invite mad pursuit. On that aspect, we can see that the husband of Gong Linna (the singer), Lao Luo, knows obviously well enough about the art of commercial market. 

Nevertheless, to person who can not overcome the sense of shame and glory, and, who still holds the sophisticate elegance dearly in heart or subconscious, I assume, it is better meditating quietly at home. 

Alas, I just want to utter a praises to the art of laziness. 

Today, one of my close friends just said to me, 'Being lazy is the magic key to the eastern philosophy, to the inaction of the Taoism and the meditation of Buddhism.' Talking about self refinement, the first thing we should practice, is the constant conviction which resists all kinds of inner and outer temptation.

知更鸟（The European Robin）

European Robin

Today is the birthday Fu Qiang. He was born in 1969, the year of chicken according to Chinese calendar and he is forty-four years old now.

In his blog, there is a new poem, titled Story of Chilling Winter. Among its three little stanzas, there are verses as such:

...The cold wind
        is swirling up with dropping leaves, does it
        hold an intention, that to light a fire
        by drilling into the wood?
        ...

Astonishing imagery. It has not only described the coldness of the wind, but also the solitude and loneliness of the natural world, when the leaves and trees, which were once prosperous, are now cease to live with their withered faces. Furthermore, the readers would not fail to perceive the sentiment of nostalgia, the slight self-mocking and irony, when the ancient surviving skill and wisdom was awkwardly appeared in the brain of the post-industrial modern time.Also, we would not fail to notice that the sharp property, which can drill into the hard wood for lighting a fire, belongs to the cold wind, which is not only able to carry up the dropping leaves into the air, but even able to swirl like a functioning drill. A drill, by definition, should have no problem for cutting into bones. Nevertheless, the suspect, which is causing damage to our body, or mind, is probably not only the bad weather or season, but also the lost sense of humanity in the diseased world.

        This kind of verse, delivers a picture into my brain, in which the poet was standing in the cold winter wind. He was resting his hands onto the handles of his bicycle and standing with a hesitant posture. From such posture, one is not easy to say, if he wants to move on. From the shapes of his arms, one is also not sure wether they are straight or bend. 

        Perhaps there was never hesitance appeared in his consciousness. The only thing that caused such impression, was that there is a too heavy burden which is constructed with too many proud principles,that needs him to carry as a company in action.When an elegant soul, which is willing to self-exile, is forced to face the responsibility of the secular world, the moral paradox that he has to bear, would be much more than the common people, and hence, he would have to bear the harder struggle inevitably, too.

Creatures, which are madding crowd, even if they are not strong enough, physically or mentally, would earn the natural inclination of kind-hearted people, not to mention those who possess overflowing talent.

I am in favor of this kind of poem. Quiet, without remarkable big words, its charm is like chanting with soft voice and drinking in the fashion of tender kisses, or, the color of the light ink drops seeping and spreading on the fine calligraphy paper slowly.

When my husband came home from work, he opened the parcel, which was received in the daytime, took out a velvet Robin from it and handed it to me. The bird has got five colors. its beak and eyeballs are black; the redness on its face and chest, looks like the inside of the old bricks which has mixed too much soil from their production, on its forehead, there is a grayish blue milky way,the abdomen area looks like the unpolished rice skin, which sets up a sense of low tune wealth and warmth,and his head, back, the surface of its wings and tail feathers, match the other parts of the body with the settle and calm quality of brown.All colors are not tempting. The combination of them however, creates the subtlety of an unusual beauty.When one presses its back, it can sing. Not noisy, chirp chirp, very pleasant.

Give me the bird as a surprising present, my husband said, the reason was only because it can sing and looks cute. He wants to make me happy. His nice intention is well received certainly. Other than thanks, I also asked him, do you remember that there is a book from the 60s last century, which is called To Kill a Mockingbird? It has been reproduced as a film too. The Chinese translation of it title is 《杀死一只知更鸟》。知更鸟，is Robin in Chinese. Thus, although this bird is not necessarily identical to that bird, the term 知更鸟, with its semantic association, is often applied as a symbol of those public intellectuals, who are sharp in thought and having broad vision and foresight on social matters.

This extra information from me, has seemingly brought extra joy to my husband.

Metaphysics

从昨天开始，用餐时的“伴奏音乐”，是电视一台制作的“谱写历史的女人”系列。至此已看过了《圣女贞德》、《国母路易斯》和《苏菲·绍尔》。看的时候，难免会发一些即时的议论，就上帝，就人情，就善恶观，就智性特点，诸如此类。其实，多不过是炒剩饭，把说过无数遍的话，敲碎了再翻两锅铲罢了。

关于贞德，这本书我从前一定看过的，不然以我记忆力之差劲，不可能还在脑海里存有星点的印象。但故事究竟如何，却说不清。就像《斯巴达克斯》，《十字军骑士》，和许多如今连名字都不记得的那些同样有关战争的文学作品，当时兴许是觉得引人入胜的，可究竟都读了些什么，真的无从查考。当然，如今再看片子，在找回记忆的同时，就有了从前大概不曾有的问题。所谓圣女，是一个宗教语境下的概念。如果贞德真是圣女，那么她便不可能单是法国人的圣女，而对于同样信奉上帝的英国人，却成了魔女。法国人的生命是生命，值得珍惜保护，难道英国人的生命就不是生命，就该杀？那些写历史的人都是怎么想的呢？历来人家怎么说就怎么信的众人又是怎么想的呢？所谓国与国、民族与民族间的战争，无非是领主之间以众生为代价的权力霸业争斗，哪有“正”“邪”可言？可是，一个斗勇的贞德却被尊崇为英雄，一个主战的王后却被拥戴为国母，以此为着眼点来看西方文明，实在不知该说点儿什么好。力量与本能，在他们的价值体系中占据了极大的比重，不但古代如此，当今依然如此。

当然，这一观点，兴许会惹得文明程度相对高的那些西方人心里不痛快。可是，若以位居欧洲经济首位的德国来看，我们就会发现，他们所赖以维持强盛与发展的主要产业，是重工业。而重工业，又正是力量在现代化和平社会中的变体。为什么这样一个尚武的国家，竟会出现那么些声名赫赫的哲学家呢？原因正在于普众的头脑简单与懒于思想。在这样一个既看不到小聪明也看不到大智慧的社会土壤中，那些拥有自己思想并享受思想的另类，便自然会被逼得走投无路，不得不在沉默中爆发，一鸣惊人。相反地，倘若人人都有些思想，或者身边大多数人的言行都遵循合理的逻辑，那么，有可能你所刚悟到的，都早早被人想过，你所能说得出的，也早被人说过了，那么，说不说，只与自己相关，而无关开启民智，改变人文环境，如此，自然也就没有了言说与阐述的欲望了。一个社会若人人都是哲学家，哲学家还有什么特殊的存在意义呢？

前天在脸书上转贴的《柳如是》，被铖铖转到了新浪的视频博客上。她说，连我的序言一起转的。我回复她说，其实我写那几句话的时候，脑子里琢磨的还是深度交流的可能性问题，尤其是跨文化交流。我说，目前来看，跨文化交流多半还是通过“介绍”这种方式来进行的。这种方式，我个人感觉，呆板，艰难，功效缓慢。通过这种方式传递的信息，受众新鲜气儿一过，很快就会审美疲劳。相比之下，通过艺术作品传递的信息，倒能给人较为深刻的印象。然而，留下的印象能带来多大扩展空间，却也难说。因为戏剧也好，小说也好，暂时多半还是有情节的，受众的注意力很容易一边倒地集中在情节发生与推进上，而忽略了支撑行为的内里文化根源与价值。比如说，《柳如是》所表现的社会生活层次，与小仲马的《茶花女》相比，要复杂丰富的多，西方受众能看得到这种复杂吗？第一，不懂中国国情的人，不会知道“江南”这一概念所涵盖的人文风俗与社会结构特点；而其中的名妓柳如是，也绝非徒有风流色相、性情刚烈些的普通交际花可比。其二，便是朝代更替时士人降清又反清的民族心理积淀与矛盾纠葛。若光看那一片纷乱热闹，卿卿我我，便自然会浪费掉许多纵深理解的机会。这也是为什么我说，Concerning literature, I think that the most valuable parts, which can sharpen our sense towards the delicacy of inner world of human being, are normally the most boring parts of narration. These parts are normally not shown what do people do, but what do people think behind their deed and why do they think so. 只可惜，钟情Woody Allen式啰嗦的，毕竟还是小众。一个功利的快销品时代，让人无可奈何。

所幸，在我家的日常里，还有专门拨出的形而上讨论空间。

柳如是

Basically, what we are thinking now, have been thought through by the ancients already. We can find all samples, explanations and guidance, from the life experience of the ancients, for everything we are experiencing in our mental world nowadays.
I heard the name of 柳如是 for the very first time, was the time when I was watching a series of documentary about 民国 (the era of republic China after the downfall of Qin dynasty and before the founding of Communist government.) masters of sinology.《柳如是别传》(liu Rushi) is a literature work of陈寅恪, one big name amongst those masters.
Everything has its reason. This is what I always believe. Most of the 'reasons' of one's life, are seeded in one's own childhood.
Concerning literature, I think that the most valueable parts, which can sharpen our sense towards the delicacy of inner world of human being, are normally the most boring parts of narration. These parts are normally not shown what do people do, but what do people think behind their deed and why do they think so.
Here is the wiki article about Chen Yinque.

Who's got the better art?

今天和夫君一起观看了一个电视台的文化专题节目，标题法文叫《在你眼里》，德文叫《你所见不到的》。我说，法文标题似乎更虚，留有更多想象空间，因而让人感觉更柔软，具浪漫色彩。而德文标题，却因一个“不”字，而更像是一个生硬的判断，一下子在思维与人性之间砌上一堵墙。夫君却说，德文的标题，有它的文化土壤。极可能，它是引用了一个类似猜谜的儿童游戏为典故。知道这个游戏的人，所产生的联想，极可能与法文标题所产生的效应差不多。这道理，听上去并非讲不通。但感觉上，却没法排除德国文化常常牵强附会的印象。因为过于依赖与固守本土文化，所以，外间看来分明蛮横，在他们自己眼里却理所当然。就像他们语言里常有的那些工匠作业时才有的声音，由于是深埋在他们潜意识里的习惯，他们自己从来不会感觉到粗糙。

片子里一个法国的盲人记者，牵着她的狗，走访了慕尼黑与歌剧有关的一些场所；包括巴伐利亚歌剧院，林德霍夫宫，以及专修瓦格纳乐器的作坊。因为记者是盲人，她所到之处，便都安排有专人对相关建筑作详细的外观描述，当然包括形状、色泽、做工等等，这些常人肉眼能直接“见”到，而盲人却只能通过触摸、对气流压强变化的经验判断、以及语言文字的描述，才能间接“见”到的细节。在作坊里，她试吹了几种瓦格纳专用铜管乐器，通过手与嘴的触碰，去感觉它们与普通乐器的不同。在歌剧院，她独自观赏了管弦乐队的排练，并由乐队指挥把着她的手，去体会乐队跟随她手中指挥棒的游动而演奏的妙不可言。片子并没有用旁白直接告诉我们她的感受，因而我们最终也只能对我们自己所见留下一个粗略印象，而无法对她“眼中”的世界做出判断。

我想，兴许，这次采访体验给她留下的印象，会比这个片子给我们留下的印象更优雅高尚些，文明层次更高。因为她触摸过体验过的乐器制作工艺，我们无缘体会。我们能听到的音乐演奏，兴许以她比我们更敏感的听觉，能体会得更细腻，更真切。而我们眼里的19世纪巴伐利亚土豪式建筑，到了她那儿，却只是一层言语的优美滤网。

幸，与不幸，是相对的。高明，与不高明，大概也是如此。

Red Dust

a screen shot from the movie 'Red Dust'

Due to my birthday, my husband bought me another pot of Chrysanthemum. 

I gave him a helpless and bitter smile, "chrysanthemum again."

He defended anxiously, "they are golden, look, it is gold."

Certainly, I don't really mind inside.

The whole day, I have been busy for puting the newly recorded "Red Dust" online. I have never imagined the possibility of singing this song myself before, because it sounds always a too difficult case for me to handle. I have heard my sister singing this song once. She has got talent for imitating. It is something that always made me envious about. She can sing this song much better than me.

There are always some songs, which one likes to listen to, but never dare to sing by oneself. There are some songs, which can review a great beauty with the voice of the others, but one can never aquire the ability of singing by oneself.

Everyone has got one's own songs, with specific tune. To identify them, one needs to try.

Nowadays, it seems that there is no any tune would fit to my voice any more. It requires me a great effort for making any sound. The lucky things is that I am not really frustrated. The free soul can still dance in the spiritual world without support from any tangible matter forms.  The red dust weighs nothing in its nature. It is absurd enough and no more than a joke, if one expects to leave a mark behind for a shapeless soul.

After the recording and uploading of this song was finished, I suddenly remembered that "Red Dust" is the only movie which San Mao, the original script writer, had participated in its production and felt very unhappy in its process, according to someone who had close contact with her. The background music of this song, is the sound of kalimba, one sort of African thumb piano. Africa, is a place where left a heavy brush in San Mao's personal experience. 

Perhaps, what kind of content to be remembered, is also something locked by fate? Persons who are spiritually transcendental, are normally determined with early death, disregarding of the differenct means.

what a playful kid!

My husband said that my childhood was incomplete, because I had never had the experience of playing with mud, or climbing trees, and so on. He is right. Other than what he had mentioned, I never had the experience of making friend with animals too. Although I was not afraid of dogs or cats, I never thought that they could be my friends. When I lived together with my grandparents when was a kid, we used to have both a dog and a cat at home, and, I liked to watch them fighting and chasing each other around. I was once led by my uncle-in-law to the police dog training center too. Those dogs were bigger than I was and rather scary. So, I was really not intelligent enough to think that they and I are sharing the same world.

But no matter what, I feel quite consoled nowadays, because those little animals are treating me as their harmless friend now, especially bees, who like to be companions when I eat. Sure, somebody might say that bees are not even animal, they are only insects. But so what?

blessed

The evil elements in human instinct, could be (normally) hidden, when everything (certainly including the social atmosphere and personal physical condition) is going fine.

So, the real virtuous quality, can actually only be seen from those people, who can keep practicing virtue, even when the situation is infavorable to one's own will. If we rate virtuous level from 0 to 10, I think my husband is targeting towards level 8-9, while the majority of us can only make a 5.

Usually, when we had different opinions upon certain matter, which really brought harm to our interests, he would say that no matter how unfairly he has been treated by the others, there should be no difference to keep conducting one's own behavior with the principle of being kind, merciful and tolerant. He would say that he can only obtain and maintain his self-respect by doing so, no other way round. So, sometimes, I suspect that I am living together with a saint and I told him so.

This kind of remark from me, would normally make him feels uncomfortable, and thus, he couldn't utter a word as a proper reply.

Probably he thought that I was ironic or cynical. But I was, and I am, rather serious. Virtuously speaking, he is really a person who possesses much purer and cleaner spirit than I do. As a man, he might not be the strongest nor smartest, he might not have super talent or shocking sound career. However, he is the most suitable counter balance of my life. In my eyes, I am so sure, that he is one of the most brilliant human individuals, (in case he is not a saint.)

That's why, whenever in the birthday of somebody else whom I know, the feeling of gratitude would be automatically gathered and filling up in my heart. Although I am not a christian, this gratefulness is my feeling towards God, who has brought my husband to me, as a reward, for I have been hanging on with my meaningless life until then.

Today is the birthday of my old brother. I sent a birthday greeting to my old brother, and also, to myself.